


Well-Forked

by Poetry



Category: The Good Place (TV)
Genre: Canon Compliant, Dramatic Irony, Drunk Sex, F/F, Humor, Infidelity, PWP, Podfic Available, Strap-Ons, sort of
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-29
Updated: 2017-04-29
Packaged: 2018-10-14 10:19:08
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,483
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10534470
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Poetry/pseuds/Poetry
Summary: “Well that’s just ridiculous,” Eleanor said. “I don’t get how any guy who isn’t gay wouldn’t want to get with you. You’re like some kind of giant… sparkly… magic fairy unicorn.” She grabbed a champagne bottle by the neck. “Let’s go to your room and talk about how much boys suck.”





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [thesleepingsatellite](https://archiveofourown.org/users/thesleepingsatellite/gifts).



> Thanks to spikenards for looking this over. thesleepingsatellite, I had so much fun writing my very first The Good Place fic for you.

**Loop #5**

“Dmitri is a fine person,” Tahani told Eleanor over her third glass of champagne. “Loves quiet contemplation, living modestly, very selfless. Why, his home looks like a tiny medieval monastery!” She tinkled out one of her precious little bell-laughs that made Eleanor kind of want to send her own laughs to charm school. “He’s just…” She gestured expansively toward the other end of the party, where her soulmate was talking to an equally serious-looking guy in a turban, and lowered her voice. “Not very attractive.”

“Oh, thank fork,” Eleanor said. “I thought I was the only one.”

Tahani’s elegant eyebrows knitted together. “The only one?”

“The only one who isn’t taking their soulmate to bone-town!” Eleanor said, waving her empty champagne flute around. “When Michael told me I had a soulmate, I thought we’d be, y’know, _mate_ -mates. And it’s not like Chris isn’t smoking hot, but he’s also _super gay_. I thought I got cheated in the soulmate department or something.” Or like her little case of mistaken identity had landed her with the wrong soulmate, but she wasn’t going to tell Tahani that.

“Dmitri isn’t gay,” Tahani said despondently into the dregs of her champagne. “He just sees us as – as spiritual soulmates, rather than the physical kind. He’s got all sorts of theological opinions about the holiness of the beyond and all of it seems to involve being too pure for matters of the flesh.”

“Well that’s just ridiculous,” Eleanor said. “I don’t get how any guy who isn’t gay wouldn’t want to get with you. You’re like some kind of giant… sparkly… magic fairy unicorn.” She grabbed a champagne bottle by the neck. “Let’s go to your room and talk about how much boys suck.”

Tahani pressed her hand to her chest. “I can’t, Eleanor, I’m hosting the party!”

“Dmitri is your co-host, right? And he totally ditched you, so you can let him host without you for a while.” Eleanor hooked her arm with the champagne flute through Tahani’s. “Come on.”

“Oh,” Tahani said, fiddling with her flute. “All right. I suppose Dmitri can manage.”

Eleanor hauled her up the stairs, then looked around and said, “Uh, which one’s yours?”

Tahani pulled her along into a room as big as Eleanor’s entire stupid clown-filled house, probably, and sprawled out on the enormous bed. Eleanor propped herself on the pillows next to Tahani and poured them both more champagne. “So I guess soulmates really are just spiritual or whatever Dmitri says,” Eleanor said. “That’s a bummer. What are you supposed to do if your soulmate isn’t the kind who wants to fork?”

Tahani swigged champagne and frowned up at the ceiling. “No one ever said we can’t sleep with people who aren’t our soulmates, did they? Maybe the Good Place is some sort of free-spirited…” She sketched a shape in the air with her hand. “Utopia. That’s it. A utopia where we can live and be intimate in any way we like.”

Eleanor laughed. Not a chiming little bell laugh like Tahani’s, but a snorting laugh. “So who would you wanna ‘be intimate’ with, huh? In a free-love utopia?”

“Well, Ryan Gosling, of course,” said Tahani. “But he isn’t here, so…” She put her glass on the night table and looked up at Eleanor through her stupidly long lashes. “I wonder if it’s better here. Don’t you?”

“I’ve never had bad breath since I got here, so that’s a plus,” Eleanor said, draining her glass. “Wanna find out?”

“ _God_ , yes,” Tahani breathed, and it just wasn’t _fair_ how eager she was. Eleanor was hoping this would be some kind of pity screw she could use to embarrass Tahani later, but when she said things like that Eleanor couldn’t want her ironically. She was just plain old hot for her, and she was going to have face it. Dammit. At least she could still think swear words inside her own head. She thought it again. _Dammit_. Then she tossed her empty champagne glass on a pillow, buried her hands in Tahani’s stupid silky hair, and kissed her.

She tasted amazing, all bubbly alcohol burn and strawberries dipped in white chocolate – not that Eleanor had been watching her dip the strawberries and eat them or anything – and lying on the bed Eleanor could tilt Tahani’s head back and kind of sort of pretend she was the taller one. Their dresses whispered against each other and Tahani’s mile-long legs tangled with hers and holy fuck was that a hand at her zipper?

“You little _minx_ ,” Eleanor said, wriggling out of her unzipped dress.

Tahani ran her fingers along the black lace panels of her bra. “Have you been wearing these under all your outfits?”

“Fork yeah,” Eleanor said. “Bras in the Good Place are actually comfortable, even the hot lacy ones. Of course I’m gonna wear them all the time.”

Tahani stroked along her matching black lace panties, then just stuck her hand right in. She fluttered her fingers so fast it was like a vibrator. “Holy shirt,” Eleanor yelled. “How do you _do_ that?”

“Oh, my friend Ellen taught me,” Tahani said absently. “Shall I do it harder?”

Eleanor couldn’t do much more than flail and make really embarrassing squeaky noises. Tahani’s fingers were as long as the rest of her, and she could get Eleanor’s clit and her hole at the same time with her magic fluttery trick – wasn’t her hand getting tired? But she just did not quit, and she grabbed Eleanor’s hair and pressed her face to her chest like she was a favorite pet or doll or something, and for some reason it was that thought that made Eleanor come in a sticky rush over Tahani’s fingers.

“Well,” Tahani said, rubbing Eleanor’s soaked panties between her fingers. She sounded mildly amused, as if Eleanor had tried an unconventional move in a croquet game. “We’ll have to get you out of these, won’t we?”

“Yeah,” said Eleanor, dazed, letting Tahani take her bra and panties off. “Wow. To be totally honest, when I was alive I couldn’t orgasm without at least twenty solid minutes of oral. EIther my clit got a major upgrade in the afterlife, or you’re just that good.”

“My clitoris hasn’t got an upgrade that I’ve noticed,” Tahani said, unzipping her dress, which shorted out Eleanor’s brain with images of Tahani ‘noticing her clitoris.’ When she finally got her brain back online, she saw that Tahani was wearing lingerie that made her look like a mermaid, clamshell bra and scaly blue panties, which set her right back to square _guh_.

“You’re like… some kind of evil genius of sex,” Eleanor said, taking it all in.

“I’m not evil,” Tahani said, smiling way too innocently for someone with jizz all over her hand. “We’re in the Good Place, remember?”

Eleanor planted her face between Tahani’s tits, which was a _great_ place to be. Her skin was soft and smelled like flowers. Maybe gardenia. Tahani would know which flower just by the smell. “Take off your bra,” Eleanor said, muffled against Tahani’s boobs. “I need to lick these all over.”

Tahani had to nudge Eleanor’s face away so she could take it off. “You’re very eager,” Tahani said. “I like that. No one’s been properly excited about me since I got here. Even with all the nice parties I’ve thrown!”

“Oh, you’re exciting all right,” said Eleanor, who was kind of hypnotized by Tahani’s nipples right about then. She put one in her mouth. Yes, this was good. She moaned her general approval of the situation she had somehow ended up in. She must be a genius, that she managed to ditch the party and get a really good boob in her mouth. She touched Tahani’s other boob. Oh, hell yes. She might have actually said “oh hell yes” but since her mouth was busy and all, it was hard to tell.

Suddenly Eleanor remembered that there was more Tahani to grope than just her tits. A _lot_ more Tahani. Eleanor sucked on Tahani’s other nipple and grabbed her thighs. They were firm and silky smooth and suddenly Eleanor really wanted her mouth to be down there instead. She wriggled down the bed and kissed the insides of Tahani’s thighs sloppily. She gave an adorable little squeak and squirmed. Eleanor liked that. She wanted her to do it again. She sucked a long hard kiss close to the edge of Tahani’s gorgeous scaly blue panties. Tahani’s thighs tightened around Eleanor’s head. She could stay down here for _days._ She sucked another hickey into Tahani’s thigh.

Tahani reached for Eleanor’s head. “Oh!” she cried. “Please, Eleanor, please fork me!”

Well that was hands down the hottest thing that had happened to her in the Good Place. Hotter than Chris the mailman doing upside down pushups all sweaty and shirtless. Tahani was begging Eleanor to fuck her, and by God, she was going to do it. She rested her chin on Tahani’s hip. “Fork you with what?”

“Whatever you want,” Tahani said, face reddening. “I don’t care, just _please_!”

“Ooh! How about a strap-on?” Eleanor said. “Lesbians use that to fork each other, right?” She got up from the bed. “Hey! Janet!”

Janet appeared in the room. “Hi!”

Tahani screeched and covered herself with the blanket. “Eleanor! You can’t have Janet here!”

Eleanor put her hands on her hips. “Why not?”

“We’re _in the middle of sex_! I don’t want a voyeur!”

“You’re having sex right now?” Janet said curiously. “My databanks tell me that sex involves physical contact and also bodily fluids.”

“Not like, _right now_ right now,” Eleanor said. “But, you know, as soon as you go away we’ll get back to it. Hey. We can use, like, incognito mode with you, right?”

“That’s right!” said Janet. “I will not disclose anything you search or what you look like naked.”

“See?” Eleanor told Tahani. “Nothing to worry about.” She turned back to Janet. “Hey, Janet. Could you get me a strap-on?”

“Sure! What kind would you like?”

Eleanor stared. “There are kinds?”

“I have all the shapes and sizes of dildo you might need,” Janet said. “There’s also a vibrating option, and a strapless option that merges into your crotch, just like a biological penis!”

“I don’t want a biological penis,” Eleanor said. “Vibrating option sounds pretty sweet.” She looked over her shoulder at Tahani, whose face was hilariously red. “What size you want, sugartits?”

“I’d like medium,” Tahani said quietly into the blanket over her mouth. “With ridges, please.”

“Make it red,” Eleanor told Janet. “I always got purple sex toys when I was alive. I think it’s time to change it up.”

Janet passed Eleanor what looked like a set of nice silky red briefs with a red ridged dildo coming out of a hole in the front. “Just squeeze the base of the dildo to turn the vibration off and on,” Janet said. “Is there anything else you need?”

“Lube,” Tahani said from the bed, still muffled. “The warming kind. I like the way it tingles.”

Janet presented Eleanor a pump-top bottle of lube and beamed. “Enjoy your sex!” she said, and disappeared.

“She doesn’t even know what sex _is_ ,” Eleanor said, holding the strap-on and the lube and blinking at the empty air. “Did whoever programmed her think we weren’t going to have sex in the Good Place?”

“Dmitri _was_ right,” Tahani said despondently to the ceiling. “We really are just spiritual soulmates.”

“Are _you_ feeling spiritual?” Eleanor said. “‘Cause I’m feeling a lot more horny than holy right now.”

Something set in Tahani’s face. She threw off the covers, shoved off her panties, and spread her legs open. “Put that on and give it to me.”

Normally that haughty Queen of England voice made Eleanor want to do the exact opposite of whatever Tahani had said. But then, Tahani had never demanded that Eleanor fuck her before, so apparently there was at least one exception. Eleanor shimmied into the strap-on and squeezed the base of the dildo. The vibration felt great, and when she slicked up her hand with lube and stroked the dildo, it pulsed against her clit in time with her hand. “This is going to be awesome,” Eleanor said, and hooked her lubed fingers into Tahani.

Tahani nearly kicked Eleanor with her infinite legs as she thrashed around and cursed, which came out as a stream of random censored words. Eleanor nailed her G-spot with her fingertips. She’d barely needed the lube; Tahani was _dripping_.

“Eleanor, what are you waiting for,” Tahani whined. “I want it, just put it in me already.”

The gentle vibration against Eleanor’s clit was kind of driving her crazy, so she was on board. Eleanor grabbed Tahani by the hips and pulled her up to the edge of the bed, then grabbed the dildo by the base and shoved it in.

Tahani screamed. She wrapped her legs around Eleanor’s waist and pulled Eleanor into her, fucking herself on the dildo with a tiny sob on each stroke. Eleanor was the one fucking Tahani, but with Tahani’s legs making a cage around her and her hips setting the pace, Eleanor felt like she was the one being used. Fuck, that was hot. Eleanor wanted Tahani to use her. The vibration on her clit pulsed in time with Tahani’s fucking, faster and faster. Eleanor gripped Tahani’s hips tight and held on for dear life.

Tahani’s hair was spread in a wide black fan on the sheets, and there was this shiny patch of sweat between her tits that Eleanor wished she was tall enough to bury her face in, and she had this look of total concentration on her face as she worked to get exactly what she wanted from Eleanor. When she came, she went absolutely still and quiet, her legs pressing Eleanor painfully tight against her. Eleanor had never experienced such total silence from Tahani before, and she thought she might never again. Unless she fucked her again. That was a cheerful thought. Eleanor turned off the dildo, took off the strap-on, and collapsed into the bed with a stupid smile on her face.

“I should get back to the party,” Tahani slurred, stirring under the covers.

Eleanor rolled over and threw an arm over Tahani. “Nuh uh. Tahani, you are drunk and well-forked. It is time for you to have a well-earned post-orgasm nap.”

Tahani yawned and scooched a little closer to Eleanor. “I suppose Dmitri will do fine on his own,” she murmured. “He is a good person, after all. Just like us.”

 

**Loop #6**

“I have a message for you,” the freaky robot lady said, handing Eleanor a folded-up piece of paper. “I found it in my mouth when I rebooted!”

Eleanor unfolded the paper. It said, in her own handwriting:

_Find Chidi._

_Also Tahani. She’s an amazing lay._

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [[Podfic] Well-Forked](https://archiveofourown.org/works/13218099) by [RsCreighton](https://archiveofourown.org/users/RsCreighton/pseuds/RsCreighton), [SomethingIncorporeal](https://archiveofourown.org/users/SomethingIncorporeal/pseuds/SomethingIncorporeal)




End file.
